Staff App; Editor; Silverwing

[twilight]

Good! Your application is pending. Therefore, please edit the following piece to the best of your abilities. (Don't be afraid to be harsh, I purposely wrote this to be bad, make all the suggestions you can)

Note: The husky is supposed to be purple, it was for an RP.

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Spring time memorys swum through Rumor's mind as she trudged through the fallen snow. Pretty flowers, sweet sense, newborn pups. What wasnt to love about spring and the pleasure it brought. She loved flower. She love the scents. She loved the pups. The purply husky sighed dramatically; winter was far from her favorite season. Bunches of all the snow icey coldness death, and lack of prey it brang. What was there to loved? Rumor glanced around her, looking grassy shrubs springing up from between the brown rocks, pink and yellow flowers sprinkling the ground, tall green pine trees. instead of the barren mountainside where all you could see for miles was white, frosty snow. Rumor wrinkeld her black nose, just the thought of it made her shiver, even more so as she struggled through it.

As if on key, she plunged a foot or two into a snow drift, with a small yelp, she was gone in a blink of the eye, she emerged seconds later, scrounging around for her dignity, grateful no one was around see her plunder, now covered in white dust from head to to, be more careful! She told herself, these snow pockets could be quite dangerous on halfrock Mountain, especially for the younger untrainded dogs. What a role-model I would be, she thought sarcasticallie as she padded quickly away from the frozen drift. With a quick shake, she sent the snow flying and started her own miniature blizzard flying. Breifly, her thoughts wondered back to the wonders of spring. I could be bouncying-happy right now, instead I'm forced to glower through this muck. She wondered sourly, abating all attempts to keep postive. What was the use in a frozen land like this?

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[silver]

Alright, I will do this tomorrow!

[silver]

My comments are in purple.

Spring time memorys First of all, memories is spelled wrong, it should me memories.swum through Rumor's mind as she trudged through the You don't have to add anything here, but if you wanted you could say the new fallen snow or something that describes the snow.fallen snow. Pretty flowers, sweet sense, newborn pups.I am kind of confused about what you want to say here. Perhaps you could put the sweet scent that the flowers brought and the newborn pups were only a few things to love about Spring. What wasnt You forgot the apostrophe in wasn't.to love 'about spring and the pleasure it brought. She loved flower. She love the scents. She loved the pups. These are very short sentences, you can put commas in them. Also 'She loved flower,' does not make sense. You could have Rumor loved the lowers. Also with the scents part, I think what you were trying to say is she loved the scents. Perhaps you could also add a word to describe the scents, like exquisite, delightful, etc. She loved the pups makes senses, there is no problem with it. If you wanted to add newborn in you could. So in the end, your sentence could be something like this: Rumor loved the flowers, she loved the exquisite scents and most of all the pups. Do you see how that flows better?The purply This doesn't make sense, it is also spelled wrong. I am not quite sure what you are trying to say. However, perhaps you could say something about her physical appearance. If she is slender, lean or petite/small you could replace 'purply,' with something that describes her. husky sighed Sighed is a good word choice, but if you want to use something else you could say she groaned dramatically.dramatically; winter was far from her favorite season. This is good! A semi colon is used to join two clauses that could be sentences. Or you can use a transition word like in addition, however, therefore, etc. I like it how it is though! So it is basically used to join two things together, which can be something of the same topic or a different topic. Bunches of all the snow icey coldness death, and lack of prey it brang. This does not make sense and icy is spelled wrong. It should be icy. I think that you meant: Bunches of all of the snow, the ice, coldness, death and the lack of prey it brought. You used,'brang,' instead of brought. 'Brang,' is not proper English. What was there to loved? Rumor glanced around her, looking grassy shrubs springing up from between the brown rocks, pink and yellow flowers sprinkling the ground, tall green pine trees. This is a run on sentence, you list too many things. You could make this one long sentence into two different ones. Also, you missed out a few words. You missed at and the before grassy and you have springing up, I would put it as sprung up. For the second sentence you could start with Pink and yellow flowers and I don't know if it is just me but sprinkling doesn't really fit this. You could put: Pink and Yellow flowers were sitting all over the ground and there were tall pine trees.instead I am thinking that you should not put a period at the end of trees and and replace it with a comma. Instead can stay with a lower case I, if you do this. of the barren mountainside where all you could see for miles was white, frosty snow. Rumor wrinkeld Wrinkled does not have an e in it.her black nose, just the thought of it made her shiver, even more so as she struggled through it.

As if on key, she plunged a foot or two into a snow drift, with a small yelp, she was gone in a blink of the eye, she emerged seconds later, scrounging around for her dignity, grateful no one was around see her plunder, now covered in white dust from head to to, be more careful! Once again a run on sentence. I think you could also make it so that it makes more sense. For example: As if on key, she plunged a foot or two into a snow drift and with a small yelp she was gone. Only seconds later did she emerge or she emerged and was scrounging around her her dignity. Rumor was grateful that no one was around to see her plunder, since she was now covered in white dust from head to foot. Also, you have two to's and be more careful. This does not make sense so you could have that she told herself to be more careful or be more careful, she thought.She told herself, If you use she told herself to be more careful take this out. Also I put above, she thought, but you can use: she told herself instead. these This is a new sentence and would be capitalized.snow pockets could be quite dangerous on halfrock Mountain, especially for the younger untrainded dogs. You forgot a in between on and half rock. I also think 'halfrock,' should be separated into two words. Untrained should be spelled untrained.What a role-model I would be, she thought sarcasticallie Sarcasticallie? It should be sarcastically. as she padded quickly away from the frozen drift. With a quick shake, she sent the snow flying and started her own miniature blizzard flying. You can take out flying, but if you wish to keep it in reverse blizzard and flying. Breifly, her thoughts wondered back to the wonders of spring. I could be bouncying-happy right now, instead I'm forced to glower through this muck. She wondered sourly, abating all attempts to keep postive. What was the use in a frozen land like this? Briefly is spelled incorrectly, remember the rule I before e except after c. This should help you to remember how to spell it! So in the end you should get briefly. You did switch to first person which is thoughts. Remember to use quotations and end the quotation when she is done speaking. Also put she thought at the end, don't put a period either when she is done thinking. Put a comma or explanation mark. Also do not capitalize the. When doing a thought do this:
"I could be happy right now, instead I'm forced to glower through this muck!" she thought sourly. This applies for all thoughts, you can replace thought if you would like. I know I did not say about this up above, but make sure you follow this! Also take out bouncing and you spelled it,'bouncying,' when it should be bouncing. She wondered sourly does not really fit it, since a few sentences before you state that it is in her thoughts.... Positive should be spelled positive as well.

Impression:
I really enjoyed this role-play post, I think it has potential to even turn into a story! Apart from your mistakes, I think that this was a very good post! I look forward to reading more! I really think that you did a great job, especially at describing things! Good job Twi, just remember to keep in mind what I said!


Wow, that was a long critique. I hope I did not critique too much! I hope I stated everything, if I forgot then I should have added it in at the end like with the thought thing. I am hoping that I did a good job and that you will consider me Twilight! ^^

Almost done!

[twilight]

Very good! -claps- You didn't technically critique to much, because on a real story there would be now where near this many stupid mistakes. I mean really, 'Sarcasticallie' that took some imagination. XDD

You've Been Accepted!

Please make sure you thoroughly critique at least 3 stories a week. You will be excused from this if you have posted in the away boards, have exam studying, family business, ect. Just make sure you notify me or Kanari about your plans. Congrats! You're Scribbles first extra staff member and Editor! =D
Your membergroup and name color will now be changed.

[silver]

Thanks so much Twilight! ^^ I will try to do so and let you know if I can't! Thank-you again!